Labor

Labor is definitely one of those things that causes mixed emotions.  Maybe the most mixed emotions one could possibly ever have.  You dread it because you know how painful it's going to be, but yet you want it to happen...try to will it to happen even.  The last few days I have found myself reading birth story after birth story, watching birthing videos, reading everything I can about taking care of a newborn and breastfeeding.  I am so ready to have this baby, even though I am still pretty comfortable, but I know what has to happen first.  I don't know if I'm ready for labor or if I ever will be.  I keep looking for signs.  Is that a contraction?  Is my water about to break?  Have I lost my mucus plug?  Yet, I don't think that labor is any closer now than it was two weeks ago.  I know I have to be wrong, but it seems crazy that one minute I could just be sitting on the couch and the next minute I'm in labor and several hours away from meeting Baby B.  How is that even possible?  I feel like there should be a slow build up and some time to prepare.  I keep trying to picture labor.  What I will do?  Will I be walking or laying down?  What will Hannes be doing?  What's it going to be like when they hand me my baby.  It's all too surreal.  I can see images in my head, but they're foggy...like in a dream.  I guess it's more of something you have to look back on.  I keep looking at the crib, the baby swing, the small diapers and clothes, but I can't picture a baby in any of them.  I know it should feel more real by now, but it just doesn't.  It's like I've gotten used to these rumblings in my belly and come to accept that is just how my body works.  I have little feet kicking me in my ribs and little fists punching my cervix.  I have a baby rolling and swishing around in my belly, sucking on its hand and that is just a part of me.  It's hard to imagine that soon it won't be.  He'll have his own body and my organs will finally be able to return to their real homes!  It won't be so easy to take care of this small life.  It won't happen automatically.  So many thoughts.  Maybe this restlessness in my head means that he will be making his appearance soon!  I hope so!

I've found that lately I am the only person patient enough to find a decent angle and decent lighting to get an okay picture.  Plus, the phone pretty much hides my double chin :)  That's always a bonus!

39 weeks 5 days!!!